being a part , falling apart

After years of becoming an energizer bunny, finally I reached the point where I can be unorganized, overwhelmed, and fainting. Honestly, I love it to be super busy.. Not that I am kepo (always want to do, know, act, everything), but I like it when myself being a part of something.. I love to know more about my circumstances and I love to put my feet in others' shoes. And it is never enough for me, an addiction.

Beginning when I was in senior high school, I have been so active everywhere, everytime, anywhere, anytime. I join debate, student organizations, student government, dance, and much more. Unexpectedly, when I was in Junior highschool I need to admit, I was a geek who always go home right after the bell rang: go home, eat, sleep. That WAS how I used to be, but now.. being energized and active is more like me. 

Then until I realized, I am sophomore facing higher level of difficulties I feel that my life has become a scrambled egg-like. I fell asleep in classes, started to be disturbed from study easily. And it is complicated. I want to be a good student and on the other hand I really want to be active, feeding my addiction. But, it does not quite working hand in hand. 

I need to be a part, but now I am falling apart.. Can anyone help me? Pull me and say that I am Catherine and I never run out of energy. That's the premise right? Then what is wrong with me now?

Simply because I am Catherine, I have this faith to myself that I am different. And slowly that faith is fading, I have also lost trusts from so many people. I am ordinary, really. It is too cold to cry outside, to realize that I am falling apart.. not because of love whatsoever, but because I am being me, wanting to have indefinite energy.

Look at her? Isn't she different? No. She is the same, ordinary and she is falling apart. Like phoenix's feather that might look pretty for a moment, but then it falls apart.. then it dies. 

It is just like her, exactly like her faith.

Catherine Au Jong